I feel like I’m in a strange transition period in my life - where things are either really starting to come together, or are about to just go to shit. I can’t work out which one it is yet. I don’t like the feeling of being in a limbo, and sometimes I feel that’s all that’s happening in my life. I feel like it’s a pretty universal thing. I like the calm of being settled, but also know that it makes me complacent. My perceptions of life and the reality of it aren’t correlating. I get frustrated that I can’t get what I want straight away, and am too afraid that if I work at it I’ll either fail or realise that it wasn’t what I wanted in the first place. I’m terrified of wasting time, but all this uncertainty is just leaving me in a perpetual cycle of watching the clock while I sit still, eating a tub of ice-cream because I’m stressing about the fact that I haven’t exercised today. I am the king of detrimental procrastination. Like right now, instead of reading the 250 pages of history I need to read by tomorrow, I’m writing a blog entry that chances are will never be read by anyone. Go figure.
I don’t know what’s so frightening about actually trying in life… maybe nothing. Maybe it’s the fear of failure, that my hard work will all be for nothing. Maybe I’ve become calm and complacent in the limbo, but that notion is too terrible to entertain. Maybe I should actually just do something about it instead of blogging.
But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.
People are currently doing the HSC and it’s making me think of what I have done with myself in the last 2 years since school has finished. I think I’m kind of proud. I’ve done a lot of soul searching (sometimes in the bottom of an ice-cream tub) and have started to become more comfortable in my skin; the kudos there goes to my family, friends and beautiful boyfriend for helping me along that journey. So maybe life is supposed to feel like a limbo, maybe it’s supposed to feel like you never reach the goals you set for yourself. Perchaps it’s only when you look backwards that you realise how far you’ve come, instead of seeing how far you have to go. And maybe I sound like a wanker.
But in the first step to combatting my procrastination, I’m going to actually post this, instead of writing and then deleting it like I usually do.
And then I’m going to browse tumblr, instead of starting the 250 page history reading….